Dreaming in Langston Hughes

I picked up a book of poetry by Langston Hughes at our local library. I have always liked Hughes and have found on several occasions that years after having read one poem of his or another, single lines or images he presented float through my head. I had previously only read Hughes in collections of poetry that included other authors. In reading this volume of his poetry, I am finding a much richer experience. There is something hugely different (as I have also discovered with other poets) in reading a book of poetry by a single poet. I somehow really begin to see the shape of their work and what their world looks like, if their words are truth tellers. Themes emerge and I realize more clearly what the poet's voice sounds like. I am just loving reading this book.

More than anything, I love the unintended benefit of Hughes influencing my dreams. I have had several nights of sleep in which I am dreaming my dreams and something straight out of his poetry enters the dream. It is not just the images and themes, but also the sounds and the conversations of some of his poems. In one, I am in some tense situation that has escalated and may result in my being severely hurt. I simply open my mouth and say his words. In another, I am walking from train to train looking for the Freedom Train. I am actively looking forward to closing my eyes tonight to enter dreamland and inviting Hughes to take it from there. While not always pleasant, it is somewhat beautiful and pure and enlightening.

[Ones to Remember: Freedom Train, Not a Movie, Advice, Arguement, Subway at Rush Hour, Harlem, World War II]

Book Review: Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is regularly referred to in my counseling program. I had never heard of it, but it sounded like something I might be interested in. After having read it, I am amazed that I had not heard of it. The first part of the book recounts Frankl's time concentration camps during WWII and his learnings from that experience. I feel like we cannot hear this story enough, but I have, sadly, suffered from fatigue/overload on this subject. Frankl's account provides a new view. I don't know if it was his narrative style or his insights in to the human spirit, but I found myself to be a patient, captive, grateful audience while reading his account. I learned a lot about what hope means and how relative suffering is. Even if you read no other part of the book, I consider his account of his time in the concentration camp (which makes up the first half of the book) as somewhat of a must-read for everyone.

The second half discusses how he took his learnings from his experience in the concentration camp and applied them to develop a theory of life and theory of counseling called logotherapy, which is meaning therapy. An existential philosophy, logotherapy focusing on helping people discover meaning in their life and overcome regretful apathy that can result when people do not find a meaning and embrace their potential in life.

I really liked that this book provided tangible, day-to-day techniques for applying his theory in both daily life and in therapy. It successfully brought a pretty big theory down to daily life in a very approachable way. My copy of this book is covered in my underlining of absolute gems of wisdom, but here are just a few I found particularly relevant:

Everything can be taken from man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. (p. 66)

'He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.' -Nietzche

What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you. Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. (p. 82)

When we are no longer able to change a situation - just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer - we are challenged to change ourselves (p. 112)

[on growing old and approaching death] Instead of possibilities [of a young person], I have realities in my past, not only the reality of work done and love loved, but of sufferings bravely suffered. These sufferings are even the things of which I am most proud, though these are the things which cannot inspire envy. (p. 122)

A human being is a finite thing, and his freedom is restricted. It is not freedom from conditions, but it is freedom to take a stand toward the conditions... Man does not simply exist buy always decides what his existence will be. (p. 131)

Human potential at its best always allows for: 1) turning suffering into a human achievement and accomplishment; 2) deriving from guilt the opportunity to change oneself for the better; and 3) deriving from life's transitoriness an incentive to take responsible action. (p. 138)

Book Review: Sag Harbor

Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
So, first, a bit of disclosure. I love Colson Whitehead's writing and, if I could, I would bathe in his prose. I think he could write about waiting in line at the DMV and I would find it excellent. However, that being said, this is a really good book. Even with my uberhigh expectations, it did not disappoint. Whitehead writes the words I wish I had put together. He provides a refreshing, comfortable (and comforting?) look at the common, familiar sentiment and his points of reference make me feel like I am in the know with some special, secret club. It was a really fun read.

I was first introduced to Whitehead's writing in college with his first book, The Intuitionist. Excellent, excellent read that I highly recommend. I had the opportunity to hear him read at The Regulator Bookshop just off campus and it was pretty amazing. I have since been a faithful fan of Whitehead's work. With John Henry Days and Sag Harbor, he has given me much reason to continue following and excitedly anticipating his work.

Sag Harbor tells of the summer adventures of a young-boy-soon-to-be-man, Ben (or Benji) in the mid-1980s. Benji is a wonderful narrator that is resigned to his place as an over-thinker, over-worrier. You can taste the melancholy he feels at the passing of time and, with it, the changing of patterns and relationship. Yet he hold out hope that there might be something better in the next stage of life. It is also about the part of adolescence and growing up in which one comes to the sad and comforting realization that their experience, while it feels so personal and different than anyone else's, is not all that unique. It is the details and interaction that makes it one's own.

The book had me laughing out loud from single sentences and descriptions that I find funny, perfect, and beautiful even out of context. I found myself often nodding or shaking my head smiling in the common, familiar emotions the book evoked. It is not really all that plot driven, but definitely worth the read for anyone who loves language and has worshipped words at any time in her life.

Here are a few quotes I liked, although the whole book is filled with wonderful pieces:
"It was hard not to believe it belonged to you more than anyone else... Everyone felt that way."

"No, I spent my money on music for moping. Perfect for drifting off the divan with a damp towel on your forehead, a minor-chord soundtrack as heavy chains across the plains of misery, the gloomy moors of discontent, in search of relief. Let's just put it out there: I liked the Smiths." (p. 63)

"I caught sight of my runner [referring to a younger boy who is in an annual race Benji has aged out of]... He turned from his friends and a darkness churned through his features for a moment before he found his mask again. Yeah, he had to be me. That was me all over. The look of fret when he slips up and for a second other people can see it. Sometimes you recognize yourself in other people right off and sometimes it's subconscious. When you get older, you gather friends and lovers for reasons other than the accident that your houses are close together. There's an affinity, stuff you share in common and things you seek out in other people. Something drew you together but you didn't understand that secret undertow until one day after years and years of talking, it comes, the key story that lays it all out." (p. 263)

Relishing Rachmaninoff with van Zweden

Saturday night brought us to the DSO. While I love going to the symphony, I was dragging a bit and felt a bit fatigued. But we had the tickets, Grace's sitter was scheduled, and I was looking forward to spending time with Jeff. So I dressed up and we headed to the Meyerson. And wow, am I glad we did.

This weekend was van Zweden's first concert of 2010 back with the DSO. It was a reminder of how fortunate I am to have him as the conductor of our hometown symphony. The first piece was Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 1 in F#-minor, Op. 1. While the piece was not my favorite, I was really impressed by the guest pianist, Simon Trpceski. I would actively seek out the opportunity to see him play again. He was a great musician and had an excellent performance presence.

After intermission, the second piece of the evening was Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E minor, Op. 27. It is a 59 minute piece and the program made a point that while it is sometimes abridged, both van Zweden and Rachmaninoff felt very strongly that it should be played in its entirety as it was originally intended. The piece was stunning, but more than that, was the way the DSO played it. Some music evokes a certain emotion or allows you to drift into your memories. I love sitting in the dark and letting music lead me along through a feeling, emotion, or memory. I often refer to pieces that I am not that impressed with as unmoving. It was interesting because Rachmaninoff's No. 2 kept me right in the music, but I was very taken with it. I did not follow it to some emotion or other place, but remained right there, on the edge of my seat, with the music enjoying every note.

I think some of this was the way van Zweden conducted it and the DSO played it. I was entranced by it. There was an artful flourish to every move he made, but it was without gratuitous exaggeration. With the exception of a couple parts, it was as if he and the orchestra were completely one in a way I have not seen before. It was incredible to watch almost independently of the beautiful sound they were making. I really enjoyed it. I am curious to listen to this symphony on iTunes. Watching it played was such a experience in itself, I wonder how differently I will hear it with just the music alone.

I left the Meyerson feeling recharged and invigorated. I guess a date night with Jeff, listening to and watching little Rachmaninoff was just what I needed.

Book Review: The Keys to the Golden Firebird

The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I picked this up from our local library after reading about it on YAnnabe, a friend's blog about young adult fiction. She had put it on a list of best "unsung" young adult books. With all of my heavy school reading, I thought I could use something a little lighter and intended for a young adult audience. This enjoyable read fit the bill.

It is a refreshingly not-fairy-tale look at a family of three teenage girls and their mom coping with grief after the father unexpectedly dies of a heart attack. While there are some serious topics here, the story includes a real-life mix of the full-spectrum of experiences and emotions. I really enjoyed Johnson's writing and, at times, she had me giggling out loud. Also, with my recent family-of-origin work in school, this book really captures what it is to have an "assigned" role within the context of your family (so many places I look, I see a little Murray Bowen going on). May, the main character, shows what it is to better differentiate yourself from your family and help your family shift in a positive direction in the process.

I will definitely be checking out Maureen Johnson's other books as I really liked her writing. I would recommend this book to any woman who enjoys young adult fiction and who is looking to revisit the ups and downs and trials of the teen years. Also, I recommend it to anyone who can appreciate a reminder of how we sometimes unconsciously surrender our agency and transform to some "other" in the context of family.

Book Review: Love's Executioner

Love's Executioner: & Other Tales of Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is a must-read for any therapist, but beyond that, it is just a really powerful look at the human condition and what it is to be open, empathetic and supportive enough to help people become their best selves. Yalom's writing is approachable and entertaining.

The title refers to the therapist's role having to sometimes "kill" the irrational fancy of some loves. However, it also refers to love inevitably being executed by the human condition. In the end, our life experience is our own to be experienced alone (even if we are experiencing life hand-in-hand with another person). While this may sound grim, it actually is a positive --- it is the real connections that we make with each other which infuses life with meaning. And the richness of unique experiences that are our own make it an incredible trip.

The other thing I love about reading Yalom is that I learn so many new words. Many are words I have heard before, but in the context of SAT study cards or while reading the dictionary [yeah, I have been known to do that for fun]. He has such a mastery of our beautiful language that he pushes the boundaries of vocabulary to access the less commonly used words that perfectly capture the meaning of the story he is telling. It is just beautiful.

I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever been in therapy, considered therapy, or anyone that has ever pondered human relations and the human condition (there we go, I think that covers just about everyone [smile:].) I have a feeling that this will be on my to-give gift list as I just loved it. Such a wonderful, good read.

New words: capriciousness, insouciant, extirpated, insouciant, labile, leitmotif, perspicacious, sagacious, salubrious, sophistry

Mourning in the Dark with Schmidt

Last night Jeff and I had a lovely date night out. We transformed to our formal selves and headed downtown. We went to Newport's for a pre-performance drink and appetizer. It was my first time there and I liked it. After that we headed to the Meyerson for the DSO performance.

We were particularly excited about this concert as Andrew Litton, the DSO's conductor before Jaap van Zweden, was back as a guest conductor. We have seen him a few times before and each time have been very impressed with him. He is comfortable and natural to watch. He usually chooses at least one piece that is unfamiliar to us and does a great job making it approachable. For example, he introduced us to Charles Ives' Central Park in the Dark a few years ago, which is a piece we were quite taken by and still really enjoy.

Litton's choice did not disappoint. He introduced us (and I think most of the rest of the audience as well) to Franz Schmidt. He selected his Symphony No.4 in C major. It was introduced as a "requiem for Schmidt's daughter" and in my opinion, it precisely captured the sense of anguish going through daily life after loosing a loved one. Litton joked when introducing the piece that you may want to hit the bar at intermission. And dark it was.

I am glad to have been introduced to Schmidt. It was a melancholic piece, but beautiful. It captured the tension of trying to move forward, but being rendered immobile by grief. Perhaps I laid some of my own experience on it, but I think I really heard it in the music. It was very powerful. Sitting in the dark, collectively crying with many of the people around me. I stayed with the music, but periodically would move outside of it to notice people wiping their eyes and reaching for each other. I was not the only one moved.

The second piece was Brahm's Piano Concerto No.1 in D Minor, Op.15. It was incredible and I have a feeling I would have been quite taken by it had I not been so emotionally drained from the first half. It was nice to just sit back and let it carry me and clear my brain of images. I just enjoyed the notes and the comparatively harmonious piece.

It was a lovely evening and I am glad I got experience it. I really like van Zweden, but I will be looking forward to when Litton comes to guest conduct again.

Book Review: Eating Animals

Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

"We can't plead ignorance, only indifference."

I was really glad this book was written by a recognized writer (I loved Everything Is Illuminated) and I was really glad to read it. Foer had a somewhat similar road to vegetarianism and animal activism as my own. Of course, there are some differences in our path, but I appreciate the questions he explores that led him to the realization that being a vegetarian of convenience is still a largely inhumane lifestyle. And I can definitely relate to becoming more vigilent about the food we feed ourselves and our family once a child is involved.

Eating Animals is not sensational, but rather we follow Foer on his own personal education process. I like that he examines the, at times, difficult dilemma of family ties to food and striving for a cruelty-free lifestyle. And I love that by the end he has comfortably integrated past cultural and familial traditions around food with his own commitment to not eating animals.

I highly recommend this book to anyone --- omnivore, vegan, or vegetarian --- as it leaves room for you learn about meat from animal to table and to explore your own values and thresholds. The book holds food in high regard and does not claim that eating is merely functional. It values the meaning that food and food production have historically held in our culture. It examines though how that food production has shifted in the last several decades while many of our perceptions about food production have stayed the same.

This book is a great read even for those well-versed animal activists and ethical-meat advocates. I learned a lot that I did not know about industrial chicken and hog farming, pig and cow slaughter, the USDA, and terms like cage free. For example, before I had access to my friend's chickens' eggs, I had always felt good about buying eggs as long as they were from cage-free chickens. After reading this book, I will ask a few more questions about where those store-bought, cage-free eggs came from. I definitely learned a lot I did not know.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Isn't it strange how upset people get about a few dozen baseball players taking growth hormones, when we're doing what we're doing to our food animals and feeding them to our children?" p 112

"'Every time you make a decision about food, you are farming by proxy.'" - Wendell Berry

"She is not the kind of person who dies." p 55. Goes in the word book.

Book Review: Staring at the Sun

Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death by Irvin D. Yalom
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book is beautifully written and flows like a conversation. It addresses the difficult (for many) topic of facing our own mortality and how to turn the knowledge of our mortality into a force for living better. While Yalom directly addresses fellow therapists in one part of the book, it is still an approachable and useful read for anyone. Coming from my perspective as a future existential therapist, this was a perfect read.

Yalom addresses the different ways death anxiety can show up in our lives which I found quite enlightening. I really liked his discussion of the problems that arise when children are an immortality project for parents, his discussion of the remembered dead and the truly dead, and of "the positive correlation between the fear of death and the sense of unlived life."

Yalom also answered several questions that I have been asking of myself over and over regarding clients asking questions about my personal faith and belief system. He makes no apologies for not believing in a religion or god, but still manages to support clients in their own belief systems. This is a hard balance to reach, but through meeting his clients where they are and because of his own self-knowledge and confidence, he makes it easy and straightforward.

This book also left me with an impressive reading list. Reading it was honestly was like having coffee with one of my English profs at Duke where I walk away excited with a list of books I must read. Really enjoyable.

While I am painting this book as very cerebral, I think it would be a great comfort to anyone feeling a bit uncomfortable about their own death even if they are not looking for the philosophical discussions or literary references it provides. I highly recommend it.

"I believe that preoccupation with a next life may undermine full participation in this life." -Yalom

Discovering Jay Ryan

Jay Ryan's Intercontinental

Last weekend when we were in Chicago, Gracie was really drawn to the print in our room. I really liked it as well and commented on it. Apparently it is a piece by a local Chicago artist, Jay Ryan, that was commissioned by the hotel. Unfortunately, it appears that it is not for sale and all of the prints are for use only by the Intercontinental.

However, it looks like there are a lot of other cool prints at his web site. Maybe one of his prints will be part of Grace's big girl room decor.

Review of Kira-Kira

Kira-Kira by Cynthia Kadohata
One of my friends who is an English professor at SMU recommended Kira-Kira to me. I picked it up on the faith of her recommendation and am so glad I did. It is a brilliant story of a first-generation Japanese-American girl, Katie, living with her family in rural Georgia in the 1950s. It is a hard story, but is somewhat refreshing with Katie's perfect descriptions of what she is seeing around her.

The target audience for Kira-Kira is much younger than me (it is a Newbery winner), but I felt that nothing was lost in having read it at 31. Katie pulled me into her point of view and it did not matter that I am probably closer in age to her parents. It brought me to tears, but also let me be ok with the way things are, just as Katie learned to be.

I highly recommend this book to pretty much anyone. Beautifully written, rich characters, and a storyline worth hearing.

Grace's Favorite Reads

Gracie has enjoyed reading from the beginning. I read to her out loud a LOT when she while she was growing inside me and we really have not stopped since. She loves being read to, loves her books, and enjoys "reading" to herself. As with most everything with Grace, she has strong opinions on her books. I have noticed that she is starting to shift her attention span significantly when it comes to books, so I thought I should take a moment to capture what her favorite books have been this last year.

Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. We read this book every night before Grace goes to sleep. Literally every night. We take our mini board book version when we travel and read our larger board book version when we are home. It is a classic for a reason --- it is just really good and there are always new details to point out and look at. I read it the same way most evenings though as it has become part of our wind down routine. I can't help but wonder if after Grace is "too old" for Good Night Moon if I will still sometimes read it to myself before going to bed. This book has definitely defined a part of this first year with Grace for us.

That's Not My Puppy by Fiona Watt and Rachel Wells. Grace received this as a gift from Christina and Penny when she was two months old and has loved it since. She loves the colors, the repetitive phrase, and as she has gotten older, she has really started to appreciate the textures. Plus we are the crazy dog people, so there is a lot of puppy stuff to talk about surrounding the book. About two months ago I took a TNMP reading hiatus. At that time, I could literally read it 30 times in a row and she would still ask me to read it again. And if I did not, she would get furious. Jeff and I started referring to it as the acronym TNMP because saying the full title would make Grace start looking for the book and asking me to read it instantly. However, since I was being so difficult, she started "reading" it to herself more and learned to appreciate it on her own. Now we are back to reading TNMP together in moderation and it is still a favorite for all of us.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Eric Carle and Bill Martin, Jr. I was actually slow to appreciate this book, but Grace had received two copies, one from each of her teacher grandmothers, of this book with the message of this was a must-have favorite. Well, those teachers know their stuff. We tried reading it a few times and it just wasn't all that great. Then, when Grace was about four or five months, something clicked and it has been one of her favorites ever since. It is a great book to take on trips as you can read it a seemingly infinite number of times and find new themes to comment on (what noises the animals make, what colors besides the primary one mentioned do you see, etc). Grace regularly when scanning her books to find which one she wants me to read will bring this one first. And it is one that she "reads" to herself for extended periods of time. Definitely a hit at our house.

Hippos Go Berserk by Sandra Boynton. This is the first book Grace and I ever read together. In the middle of the night in the hospital the night after she was born, I read this to Grace. And it is one of her favorites now. It is just a really fun book. Her eyebrows raise and she smiles big as we get to the best part of the book when the hippos actually do in fact go berserk. It is just a fun read that Grace (and I) thoroughly enjoy.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle. I am sure this is not a huge surprise to anyone that has had a kiddo, but, like most children, Grace LOVES this book. She will pull it out from her books and bring it to me to read. She can also identify it when we walk past it at bookstores and will ask me to read it there. It is just wonderful and there are so many things you can talk around it with such as colors and counting. This has been a favorite and I feel like it is going to probably grow with her pretty well.

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. While this is not one of the books Grace reads to herself, we spend a lot of time reading the poems out of it. The pictures are not all that appealing for her at this age, but she likes to hear the poems. She smiles and bounces and reacts somewhat like she does to some music. She listens well and likes the sing-song nature of the poems. I thoroughly enjoy it as well. The copy of this book that we read from was mine as a kid. I loved it then, but, as with so many of the Silverstein books, there is a more profound meaning to some of the poems. This is a favorite that is going to be with us for a long time.

A Night with Husband, Barber, Tchaikovsky, and the DSO

The Meyerson

Last night Jeff and I went to the opening weekend of the Dallas Symphony Orchestra's 2009-2010 season. We decided to go ahead and get season tickets this year. In previous years we have generally gone a couple times a year and always wish we would go more as we have so much fun. Well our season package gets us there about once a month during the season and we are very excited about it.

And if last night's performance was any indication of what's to come, we are in for such a treat. They opened last night with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings. This peace is just beautiful, but Jaap and the DSO outdid themselves. Three notes in my eyes started to well and as they continued the tears streamed down my face. It is just a beautiful piece and their performance of it was ethereal. It quite honestly took me to a place where words and physical location do not exist, but pure, beautiful, collective emotion is held. As they played I felt a deep appreciation for our human condition. It was just incredible.

The next piece was Barber's Concerto for Violin and Orchestra, Op. 14 with the soloist Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg. The Dallas Morning News review called her performance grotesque. I saw what turned them off, but did not necessarily agree with them. I just saw her jerkiness as her being in her head and in the music. I agree it detracted somewhat from the performance, but was definitely added a strange element of passion.

The third piece was Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 4. Beautiful. I kept thinking how much Grace would like it. Last year when I was the uberpregnant with Grace, we went to the symphony and they played his 5th symphony. She danced inside of me. Jeff reached over and placed his hand on my belly and felt her shift and move and react to the strings. Even though it was a different piece last night and should be appreciated on its own, it took me back to that beautiful place.

After the performance, we went over to Stephen Pyles for a glass of wine and an appetizer and to review the evening. I had the Keenan Chardonnay and found it quite nice. Jeff and I always have fun no matter what we are doing, but it was really fun going to listen to and experience music together. And it was so nice to have focused time to talk, appreciate, and really hear each other. Excellent evening.

Review of The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures by Anne Fadiman
Rating: 4 of 5 stars

I highly recommend reading this book. It is not a book one would say, “I enjoyed reading,” because the subject matter is difficult, but it is a good read and one that I think is especially beneficial to educators, medical professionals, and mental health professionals. This book examines the cultural differences and the issues that result between the Hmong and mainstream American culture. It highlights these differences through the experiences of one family and their severely epileptic daughter. I learned a lot from The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down and it has left me looking at cultural issues differently — not only those involving Hmong, but other conflicting cultures as well.

I first heard of the Hmong about 6 years ago when I noticed they had added Hmoob to the language options on Wells Fargo ATMs. I asked my amazing encyclopedic Jeff what Hmoob was and he shared a brief history of the Hmong people. The end. Fast forward to this December in class. One of my classmates recommended this book. My ears perked up because I wanted to learn more about the Hmong and, from the little I knew about this classmate, I thought I would like the books she recommended. So I picked it up at our library.

I had an incredibly vivid dream/nightmare while I was reading the book. I think this dream more effectively shows what I learned from this book than any book review I could write.

[The Dream] Despite my careful planning for quitting work and going back to school full time, for some reason we have fallen into a situation in which I need to find a job while completing my Masters. I call one of my favorite people from my old company, Tony, who excels at connecting people. I tell him I need to find a job. He makes some calls and tells me to show up at an office at a certain date and time to meet with some friends of his who are headhunters.

I show up at the office at the designated time dressed in a suit with my resume and writing portfolio in hand. Tony is there and tells me I am late. I apologize even though I am positive I am on time. He introduces me to two men and a woman. I reach to shake their hands and they simply stare at my outreached hand looking disgusted. They hide their disgust and start speaking to me. I cannot understand what they are saying; it is like they are speaking through water. I can only understand what Tony says. He tells me that he has to run, but wishes me luck. I am left confused with the three employment agency people.

They motion for me to follow them while asking me questions I cannot understand. I smile and nod. One of the men shows me into a small room with a dentist’s chair. He motions that I should sit in the chair. I am uncomfortable, but sit down and lean back in the chair somewhat concerned that I am going to wrinkle my suit. He takes my portfolio with my resume and writing samples from me and simply sets them aside without looking at them. This frustrates me because I feel he cannot assess my quality of work and where I would fit without looking at my resume and samples.

He leans me farther back in the chair, talking to me without me understanding, and puts a gas mask on me. I start to fight and more people come in to restrain me. I black out. I wake up and my abdomen is incredibly sore. I am in the room alone. I look down and my blouse is messy with blood and Betadine; my jacket and pants are beyond wrinkled. I unbutton my shirt to see hundreds of big sutures all over my abdomen.

The employment agency men and woman come back in smiling. I get up to physically attack them because I feel so violated. I was just coming in for a job placement consultation and they have cut me open and done who-knows-what to me. They restrain me back in the chair and leave the room. I cry and don’t know what to do.

A bit later the three walk back in with Tony. Tony looks mad and asks why I have been so rude to his friends when they are being so kind to help me. I angrily ask how operating on me is helping me find a job. He sits down and explains to me that in this culture I need to understand that the first step in finding a good job is getting a tummy tuck. That is what an employment agency does. I am still furious and start sobbing again. I get up and walk out of the office.

I woke from this dream extremely disturbed and close to tears. I reflected on it and realized that it had to do with this book which I had been reading just before going to sleep. Hmong medical professionals do not touch their patients’ bodies, but rather talk to them and treat medical issues as a spiritual problem. The book discusses how surprising and violating it was for the Hmong when they went to emergency rooms in the US and were touched and examined all over. My dream was my way of processing and interpreting their experience. For me, being operated on when going to a job placement consultation is just as foreign as the Hmong being poked and prodded and operated on when going to a medical professional. I have been left rattled by this realization.

The book is excellent and worth reading. It has given me a new appreciation for the displacement can refugees experience when coming to their new country. I wish I could erase some of the imagery presented in this book from my mind as I have had several other nightmares stemming from this book. However, despite the nightmares, I do think it is worth being aware of these experiences so I can make more informed decisions and be a better counselor to individuals from other cultures.

Other reviews

Review of The Attachment Parenting Book

The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby by William Sears
Rating: 4 of 5 stars

I would recommend this book to anyone that is having or adopting a baby. Many of the guidelines and theories in this book evoked the "well, of-course" response from me as I think (hope) they would for most people. However, I found it helpful in that it provides support and helped me organize and formalize my thoughts on some of the ideas I might have questioned had someone asked me, "why are you choosing to do things that way?" Additionally, it had some excellent recommendations I had not considered and will probably incorporate into our parenting style (depending on the needs of our child).

Attachment parenting focuses on birthbonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, cosleeping, believing in the baby's cry, establishing balance and boundaries, and basing parenting on the individual child as opposed to a one-size-fits-all approach. Two crucial areas that I found especially helpful were how to approach baby's cry and establishing boundaries.

I also appreciate how this book discusses what typically are called fussy or difficult babies as high need babies. I like the shift to a positive language and approach to these babies. Instantly at the mention of a fussy baby, I cringe and picture an ill-behaved child with a haggard looking parent nearby. However, the much more accurate description of a "high need baby," while maybe its crying is very trying, instantly produces an image of a baby that is a extra sensitive and needs a little more attention to cope with the discomforts of life. This is such a different image of the same child and parent. Instantly the high need baby brings about a sense of empathy in how one would approach this child.

Here are some selections from the book that I found interesting and helpful:

[From a parent testimonial on the effect of believing baby's cry in an older child] "'I believe that he is this way because he's always been given empathy and love when he cries. His injuries, his pain, his fears are taken seriously. Becuase he has received such loving concern for his emotions, he is able to show that same concern towards others.'"

[On the importance of establishing boundaries] "Attached parents are attentive to their children, but not to the point where they neglect their own needs. Mothers and fathers who are completely worn out and don't take care of themselves are not balanced attachment parents."

"When helpers come to visit, be sure they actually help you. Don't be the one to wait on them while they hold and play with your baby. You should be the only [people] acting like the baby's [parents]. It's a good idea to make this clear before anyone comes to spend a week or two."

"To a baby trainer, a baby's cry is an annoying, inconvenient habit, which must be broken to help baby fit more conveniently into the adult environment. To an attachment parent, a baby's cry is a language to be listened to."

"Babies who are 'trained' not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant or 'good babies." These babies could in fact be depressed babies who are shutting down the expression of their needs."

Overall, I really enjoyed this book. It just makes a lot of sense. As with any of the parenting books I am reading, I am only going to take the parts that work for our child as an individual, but I foresee us using many of the ideas in this book as part of our daily lives and interactions.

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Review of A Great and Terrible Beauty

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
Rating: 3 of 5 stars

A gripping and eerie read, this book aimed at tween girls presents a 16 year old struggling with how she should behave versus defining herself as an individual. I really enjoyed this book and had a difficult time putting it down. A bit spooky at times in a somewhat cheesy, but fun way, it made me feel the same jumpiness upon hearing a bump in the night as when I was a young girl reading similarly themed books.

In the end it has a good message as we start to see the heroine, Gemma, grow up and transition into an adult. During this book, Gemma evolves from seeing a world that revolves around her to recognizing that she is part of a bigger picture. By the end she no longer sees things in merely black and white, i.e. you support what she wants or are against what she wants, but rather recognizes the complexity and multi-faceted nature of other people and situations. [An aside: This is a lesson in growing up that strangely a lot of the people in our society seem to have missed. Many people from some leading political figures (you know the crew I'm talking about!) to some everyday citizens have a tendency to see only black and white, good vs evil, for vs against. Perhaps they should read this silly little tween novel to learn that most people and situations cannot be summed up so simply. :)]

I am definitely looking forward to reading the next book in the series. I would recommend this to the intended audience of 10-12 year old girls and to women who were avid readers as kids and want to return to the giddiness and excitement of reading an unfolding mystery told by a girl on the edge of womanhood.

One passage that I liked that captures a good message of the book:

"Forgiveness... I'll hold on to that fragile slice of hope and keep it close, remembering that in each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice. We're each of us our own chiaroscuro, our own bit of illusion fighting to emerge into something solid, something real. We've got to forgive ourselves that. I must remember to forgive myself. Because there's an awful lot of gray to work with. No one can live in the light all the time."

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Review of Body, Soul, Baby

Body, Soul, and Baby: A Doctor's Guide to the Complete Pregnancy Experience, From Preconception to Postpartum by Tracy Gaudet
rating: 5 of 5 stars

I picked up this book based on an ad I read in Fit Pregnancy as it sounded like it filled a void in my pregnancy reading. I am making the "Liesl's Congratulations, You're Pregnant" gift set for my friends that get pregnant in the future and am definitely including this book. So many of the pregnancy books I have read focus on how the baby is developing and touch lightly on the bodily changes you are experiencing, both of which are important. However, this book focuses on the components of what you are experiencing which I think is equally important and am surprised at how little coverage it gets in the standard issue pregnancy books.

Body, Soul, Baby gives tangible tools to help you along the way with your experience and focuses on how you can best care for and interact with your body and fetus. It focuses on "The Five Centers of Wellness... Nutrition, Movement, Mind, Spirit, and Sensation" and gives guidelines and exercises to help you nourish each center. It also gives you tangible exercises to help you process through fears and anxiety. I have found it extremely helpful -- definitely written for people with my disposition who like solutions and action. The majority of pregnancy books simply acknowledge you may experience fears and anxiety and let you know these fears are normal (i.e. is the fetus ok? will the delivery be ok?), but this book gives tools to work with so you can eventually quell or at least process your apprehension.

At the beginning, I was a bit concerned about this book being one of those that was somewhat chastising if you did not agree with what it presents, i.e. natural childbirth is a good thing, but it does not chastise at all. It just focuses on that whatever you choose (within reason), make sure you are doing it in full consciousness and awareness. For the labor example, whether you choose to have a natural birth, use pain medication, or have a C-section, make sure it is a conscious choice and think through that choice. If anything, this book helps you be more accepting of yourself. For me, a C-section is not a choice, but a requirement, but I am still somewhat sensitive to blind criticism about C-sections and appreciated that not only was this not critical, but acknowledges that it is sometimes the right and only thing to do.

Overall I found this book incredibly helpful and think that it fills a void left by the most popular pregnancy books. I would recommend it to anyone who is pregnant or providing support to someone who is pregnant.

A few jewels of wisdom that I liked:
"Whether you labor for a full day or for a few hours, your birth experience will be more than just the sum of its mechanical details. Owning your birth story means that no matter what kind of labor you end up having, you will be at peace with it."

"You can't plan a birth; there are simply too many factors that are in the hands of nature. However, you can create a vision and an intention for your birth experience."

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Review of the Golden Compass

The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
rating: 3 of 5 stars

Excellent fuel for the imagination and, at times, nightmares, this book is a good read. I originally purchased the His Dark Materials trilogy several years ago because of a NYTimes article about the trilogy. I then read this book and promptly abandoned the trilogy. I am not sure if it was the time of life at which I was reading it or just I did not fully engage in it, but I did not like it. After recently watching the movie adaptation, I decided to reread this and loved it this time. It is much darker than the movie with Lyra as a far more depthful [invented word] character. Lyra is a complex little girl living in an even more complex world. The book is worth reading if for no other reason that getting to know this heroine. I would recommend this book to educators and people who enjoy fiction that challenges our limits of imagination. While it is classified as young adult reading, it thematically seems much more like an adult read. I would be interested in hearing a child's take on it as I would imagine they would read this book as a completely different story.

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